I: Everytime I think I have an escape plan to my problems I arrive at the same point from where I started. It’s like I am running in a circle. I am not growing. It’s the same monotony, taking a toll over me in different ways again and again.
Him: So how else do you think you’ll grow ?
I: I want to do something worthwhile. This repetitive patterns are just irritating. I have tried to be patient. How long should I suffer more? I keep thinking about various possibilities. It’s making me anxious and I want to be locked away from people.
Him: So you’re trying to be patient and you want to know how long you’ll have to be that way? Anyways, what do you want to achieve? And does thinking about the possibilities help ?
I: Not anything in particular. I dont want be tagged as a traveller or a writer or a social server although I love the idea of being all these yet I can see that it’s not the ultimate solution. I don’t see myself changing. It’s like having the same struggles and emotions with a different setup. I dont want to live in a fool’s paradise. I know it’s not the answer. All I want is to keep learning and growing and I should be able to distinguish between my likes and dislikes without getting influenced by the suroundings/people around me. I don’t want to be carried away by their expectation and way of living. Things I do should make sense to me. It should make me energetic and motivated everyday to do it.
Endlessly thinking about possibilities and not acting on them is nothing but a wastage of time. Overthinking and overanalyzing things only makes me feel helpless giving rise to negative moods and emotions. I see how important it is to be calm. I am very well aware and have experienced this many times that the good things and thoughts come to me when I am least affected by the emotions. When everything just flows like a story without affecting me, whether good or bad.
Him- *chuckles* A story?
I: Often I like to see my life as a journey. Like it is recorded in the form of a book. It is about hardships I am facing or the goods that came along. So when I am happy, I see it as a good part of the book . And the sad parts are always viewed as an important plot to build the story of struggle. It gives me hope to see through all the problems, imagining myself to be victorious.
Him: That’s wonderful! This way it doesn’t affect your real nature. The good part helps you to be humble and the bad one’s are making sure you climb the stepping stones. But you do realise that book is still in the making?
Him: Isn’t it convincing enough that it’s okay the way things are going around?
You’re just creating a false thought and stuck in your own web.
Remember, a sad being always remains sad! It is always good to keep doing things rather than overthinking, however slow the process maybe.
I- There’s no point in discussing this. The point is to start from somewhere, again! The point is to be disciplined in my work. And in order to be disciplined, I need to transform it into a habit. A habit of reading, a habit of writing, a habit of good things. Bad habits are just distractions.
Him- It is okay to not inculcate good habits so soon. It’s better to try one more time than to give up. That’s how you train your mind.
Just that you’re are not aware of the result of your progress is what is bothering you.
I: Maybe, I am just gathering the courage to move towards the oblivion. Or being a human, trying to think logically?
Hum: Dream knows no logic! It demands will, determination, courage with a smile on your face.
I: Or may be this is just another sad chapter of my book, another stepping stone to the higher realm.
I: But I still dont have a clear picture of what I really want?
Him: I think you said it already! You want to keep learning and growing.
I: Yes, but I still haven’t figured out from where to start and how? I follow many achievers and their stories but nothing is convincing, neither their answers to most cliched question- “How to be successfull?” But there has to be something that assures my destination?
Him: One cannot climb the peak with an assurance of a clear weather. What I have learnt till now is although you don’t know what to do, you have figured out what not to do. Although it is difficult to develop a good habit, you are overcoming your bad habits. The hatred that you have accumulated since so many years with the monotonous life is giving you more potential to rise above it. Utilise it in the best possible way and keep getting better with the process itself. The secret lies in the process not the result. And since when did the destination started bothering you? I have known your stories which emphasizes about the adventures you had during the journey rather than the destination.
I: You’re right. Never have I cared about the destination. It’s the journey that is more adventurous.
Him- Remember, one step at a time to reach the summit of your life.
I- That’s what mountains taught me. One step at a time!
In the distant, the sun had started turning from yellow to orange as he clamly listened to me answering my several questions which I believe, was already buried deep within me, never finding its way to the surface because I did not practice the preachings of my heart. Perhaps, that is the reason why I was able to express my feelings to him. He told me exactly what I wanted to hear.
Out of curiosity, I raised my head above all this mess to see him. He was thin, wearing a dirty denim jacket, cheeks sunken to the bones as if he dint have a good meal since a long time but he showed no signs of dissatisfaction. Irregular beard and moustache that wasnt taken care of since a long time was swaying like a crop sways in the cold wind. His face calm, not at all affected with the problems I shared with him. As if whatever I shared doesn’t hold any importance. As if he had’nt faced any hardships in his life. His eyes fixed on the sun, yet very well aware of my restlessness and my existence beside him. He sat quietly staring at the drama in sky. The magic that I can cherish my whole life. Perhaps he also loved to witness the wonders of the Creator. The more I looked at him, the more we both looked alike.
“Where am I? Who is this guy who looks like me?” , reality started hitting me.
He looked at me, mischievously smiling- ‘Where you have always imagined yourself to be..’ and stared straight into the melting sun. The sky now lit with stark red-orange color, against the silhouetted valley below. His face glowed with the last few rays of sun, filled with effervescence! I followed his gaze to the sun, not caring anymore to solve the mysteries of life. Whether it was a dream or reality, I could not say. All that mattered was this moment- watching the sunset, together, with (higher) self.